Something To Hold On To
by marap
Summary: Brooke and Lucas have drifted apart and are growing tired of clinging on to what remains of their relationship. Can they find their way back to the love they once knew? Set a year and a half after season three, ignore season four.
1. Prologue:Barely Touching In Our Cold Bed

**Something To Hold On To  
**_By Mara_

SUMMARY: Brooke and Lucas have drifted apart and are growing tired of clinging on to what remains of their relationship. Can they find their way back to the love they once knew? Set a year and a half after season three/towards the end of their first year of college (ignore season four).

DISCLAIMER: I do not own One Tree Hill.

Prologue - **Barely Touching In Our Cold Bed**

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Lucas turned over in bed as he awoke. The room was dark, the pale blue walls turned black by the absence of light. His eyes opened to face her back, covered by a blue singlet, the top half hidden by her long, rich brown hair, slightly messily curling at the ends. She sat on the edge of the bed, facing away from him, with the bedside light on sending beams of light cascading down on her body, illuminating her in a shadow of light. After a moment he sat up and looked over her shoulder, seeing she was holding something.

"What's that?" Lucas took a photo from Brooke's little girl-like hands.

"Nothing," Brooke said, stating the exact opposite of what the photo was. It was everything. It was the proof of their love that had once been so intense. The love that had taught them everything, the unexpected love that had given them the strongest feelings of everything. Yet it was that same love that had been forgotten, like a child's toy left behind in time.

It was a photo of them sitting on the beach, on a winters night in their senior year of high school. They sat closely beside each other, cheeks pressed up against one another. Lucas' arm was pulling tightly around Brooke's waist, and she had her arm securely draped around his shoulders. You could see their arms in the side of the picture, holding the camera, as they had taken the photo themselves. The photo was the evidence of horizontally the windy night that they had laughed in as they had walked along the dark beach. Brooke's hair was blown out and colliding with Lucas' face. Brooke remembered that night clearly, like an image preserved perfectly in her mind. She remembered convincing Lucas it wasn't too horrible to go for a walk. She remembered them running along the beach hand-in-hand to keep warm. She remembered then collapsing into the sand and taking that photo. She remembered it had started to rain and they had fled from the beach and run all the way back to Lucas' house, laughing at the situation they found themselves in. Brooke wondered if Lucas remembered, knowing there was only one way to find out.

"Do you remember that time, Lucas?" Brooke asked hopefully, still facing away from him.

"Of course," Lucas answered. Brooke wished that hearing Lucas say that could give her hope, but it didn't, and she couldn't pretend it did, she could no longer cling to false hope. She knew things weren't the same anymore. She knew they couldn't lie to themselves and say they were. Things had changed, they had changed too much.

Brooke didn't cry at the memories the photo brought back, she was too drained of all emotion. She dropped her head and stared at the ground for a moment before simply turning off the light and lying back down in their bed, facing the wall. She pulled the covers up around her and closed her eyes. Lucas was once again faced with her back, something that had happened one too many times. He hesitated for a moment, before placing the photo face down on the bedside table. He couldn't look at it, he remembered that day too well and it would only confirm how far they had drifted from those days. With the photo hidden, their past a distant memory, Lucas lay back down on the soft, but not comforting, mattress and rolled over, leaving their backs facing each other. And the night hung heavy once again.

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_AN: There is the prologue, hoped you liked it, reviews are appreciated! I know this was short, but that is just because its the prologue, actual chapters will be longer. A huge thank you to my awesome beta Ellie, thank you so much Ellie! Also thanks to everyone who encouraged me to write a full-length fic, I'm giving it a go! The title of the prologue is from 'It's Beginning To Get To Me' by Snow Patrol and the fic's title is from 'You're All I Have' by Snow Patrol._


	2. Ch 1: And Oh You Lost Your Trust

Chapter One – **And Oh You Lost Your Trust**

Trust. Or rather, a lack of trust. It was what could be blamed for the fading of their relationship. Brooke had known right from the day that she and Lucas had broken up, that she would never fully be able to trust him again. Of course at that time, she thought there was no hope for them, but time had let Brooke forgive Lucas and give the love that had only just begun to develop, a chance to grow. Unwanted events only led Brooke to be correct. She had tried so hard to trust Lucas, and even though to a large extent she did, she could never fully trust him. Brooke sat at the kitchen table of their apartment. They had moved into their small, but homey apartment, after graduation. Brooke had been hesitant when Lucas suggested living together, but her living with Rachel hadn't proven to be too successful and they were madly in love so why not? Brooke remembered commenting on how 'Naley' she felt, living with her boyfriend. She thought of Nathan and Haley and wondered why she and Lucas couldn't be as happy as them, feeling a pang of jealousy for the happiness they possessed.

She couldn't concentrate on the designs she was meant to be drawing for a college project. She loved studying fashion and strangely for her, enjoyed doing her homework, but today she couldn't concentrate. She was designing a dress and couldn't get the neckline right. She rubbed it out for the fifth time and exhaled loudly and looked around the room. Lucas' HCM medication sat on the kitchen bench and Brooke was reminded of the day she found out that Lucas had HCM.

"_Why didn't you tell me? All this time, you knew and didn't tell me?". Brooke spoke, in anger, but even more, in utter astonishment._

"_I wanted to Brooke, but I just couldn't. I knew you would be scared, for me, for you. I knew you would worry about me. I didn't want you to have to deal with that. I didn't want things to change." Lucas spoke, with his head hung long shamefully._

"_But how am I meant to trust you if you aren't telling me things as important as this?"_

"_I'm not keeping anything from you Brooke, I promise." Lucas said calmly._

"_Anything else you mean." Brooke scoffed and turned away._

_"Brooke, I am so sorry. I really didn't want you to have to worry about me."_

"_Oh please." She scoffed once again._

"_That's the truth, Brooke". She spun around to face him, eyes glazing._

"_Oh okay, so you're telling me the only reason you didn't tell me that you have an illness that could kill you is because you were concerned that I would worry. That's pathetic, Lucas."_

"_Okay fine it wasn't only that, I-" He trailed off_

"_Well?" She prompted_

"_When I first found out I had HCM we weren't together. Then when we got together I didn't want to scare you away by telling you I could drop dead at any second, I didn't want to lose you. So, I waited. I was going to tell you after a while but I knew you would be angry that I had waited in the first place, so I kept putting it off and putting it off. And well, here we are."_

"_Yeah, here we are. Where I had to find out from your mother that my boyfriend could die."_

"_I'm sorry Brooke, you should have heard it from me."_

"_You're right I should have." She walked a little and leant her back against the wall of their bedroom, standing a few metres from him._

"_I don't know what to say, Brooke. Except that I'm sorry and I love you."_

_She stayed silent for a moment, hearing Lucas tell her he loved her made it so hard for her to remember she was angry. His soft, loving words were enough to make her melt, but she didn't, not quite, not this time. Instead, she spoke._

_"Do you remember Nathan and Haley's wedding Lucas, and why I was upset?"_

"_Because I told you about the thing with me and Peyton…"_

"_And also?" She prompted him again._

_"And also because I wasn't letting you in, I was keeping you at a distance."_

"_Remember when we talked? You told me I was all the way in, and now, just months later I find out that you have been keeping something as massive as this from me. That doesn't seem like you're letting me in, Luke. You're the one whose doing the pushing away here, Lucas."_

"_I know. You're right. I was stupid not to tell you. But know that you have me Brooke, this doesn't change that. Hey if I didn't care about us then telling you wouldn't have been so impossible for me to do right? I was scared to tell you and as pathetic as it sounds, I honestly didn't want you to have to worry."_

"_Well I am worried. I can't lose you."_

_Lucas moved over towards Brooke and stood before her. He lifted a hand and placed it on Brooke's cheek._

_"You won't." He bent his knees slightly to lower himself to her eye level, forcing her to make eye contact with him. "I promise". Brooke noticed Lucas had tears in his eyes. This was only the second time she had ever seen him on the verge of tears, and seeing him like that broke her. She hadn't cried up until this point but looking into his watery eyes was too much. As the tears began to fall, Lucas pulled her close, hugging her to his chest._

As much as she tried to deny it, Brooke knew that Lucas not telling her about his HCM had changed things. The wounding it had on their relationship was subtle, with no break up, no long-lasting fight. Even though Brooke said it was okay, she knew it had weakened her ability to trust him, knowing he had kept something this important from her. Brooke had told herself over and over again that he was honest with her, but knowing he hadn't told her about his HCM, she couldn't help but wonder what else he wasn't telling her.

Lucas gathered up his books and slung his bag over his shoulder and made his way out of the lecture room. He followed the crowd down the hallway, every so often bumping shoulders with people going the opposite direction. There was a time when he would have pushed his away eagerly through the crowd, trying to get home as fast as he could to see Brooke. He would rush home from this last class and pick up takeout on the way home and they would watch movies, but they hadn't done that in along time. He was shaken from his trance by hearing his name.

"Lucas!" He looked up and saw Tommy Andrews heading towards him. Tommy was a guy Lucas knew from his American literature class, and while he wasn't a close friend, the two would often chat and say hello to each other in class.

"Hey Tommy,"

"Hey how's it going?" Tommy asked.

"Good man, you?"

"Yeah, I'm good. I just wanted to invite you to this party I'm having to mark the end of the first of our college years," Tommy said.

"Oh cool, when is it?" Lucas aked.

"It's on Saturday night at my place. 9 o'clock."

"I'll be there," Lucas said.

"Great! You're welcome to bring your girlfriend along."

"Oh I think she might be busy, but I'll definitely be there."

"Ok. See you then!"

"Thanks man." Lucas said as Tommy gave a nod and disappeared into the crowd moving in the opposite direction.

Lucas had no idea if Brooke was busy or not, they didn't really fill each other in on their plans in much notice. But even if she wasn't busy, he knew they wouldn't be going to the party together. If he asked her, she probably would say no, but if by some chance she didn't, the entire night would be awkward, dodging questions about their relationship and putting on the act of being cute and lovey-dovey to avoid suspicion. He just wanted to have a good time with his friends and try and forget about his problems with Brooke. Even if only for a night.

Lucas continued down the hallway and left the main building through doors at the end of the hallway. He walked down the steps and towards the parking lot. Pulling his keys out of his bag, he unlocked the car. Following this, he sat down in the drivers seat and looked down at the keys in his hand. He ran a hand over his one and only keychain, a small, flat, metal basketball keychain. As his fingers traced over the ridges of the silver metal that served as the ball's stitching, his mind swayed back to Brooke, for she had given him the keychain.

"_Boyfriend!" Brooke cheerily greeted Lucas as she bounded into the living room, dropping her shopping bags and sitting down on his lap._

"_Hey pretty girl" Lucas said as he gave her forehead a quick kiss. "How was shopping?"_

"_Well there were two hot guys in the food court who were totally checking me out." Brooke said as she kinked her left eyebrow._

"_M-hm.."_

"_Yep, and I went over and gave them my number."_

"_You did not!"_

"_Of course I didn't. Who do you think I am? I just wanted to see your reaction." She said with a giggle._

"_Cruel..!"_

"_I know."_

_"You're just lucky I love you."_

"_I know." Brooke repeated, this time with complete sincerity. Lucas smiled and gave her a gentle kiss._

"_Anyway, shopping was very successful!" Brooke said as she bounced off Lucas' lap and began to rummage through the pile of bags on the ground._

"_Aside from spying two hot guys?"_

"_Yes, aside from that!" Brooke giggled._

"_Wow it obviously was successful." Lucas said as he sat up properly on the couch and leant forward, looking at what seemed to be an endless collection of shopping bags. "Did you buy enough stuff?" Lucas asked with a small laugh._

"_No." Brooke said seriously to which Lucas chuckled. She pulled a pink shopping bag out from the bottom of the pile and stood up straight._

"_I bought these for your sister soon to be." Brooke said as she pulled out the contents of the bag and thrust one of the items in front of Lucas. It was a pink cardigan with purple butterflies embroidered down the side and green buttons on two front pockets._

"_It's so small.." He said as he took it from her and looked at it._

"_Well duh, its for a baby."_

_"I know." Lucas laughed. "It's gorgeous."_

"_I know! And, just when you think it couldn't get any cuter.." Brooke held up a tiny beanie, "To match!"_

"_I never would've guessed." Lucas teased, looking at the beanie of identical colouring and design to the cardigan._

_Brooke swatted Lucas with the beanie and he took it from her, putting it down on his lap next to the cardigan. Brooke sat down next to him and rested her head on his shoulder._

"_They're perfect, Brooke. Thanks for buying them." He took her hand. "But, remember we did already buy the two picture books for her."_

"_I know, Luke, but I have to make a contribution to her wardrobe! Besides, I plan on being her number one fashion consultant when she's older." Lucas laughed, but before he had a chance to speak Brooke jumped up._

"_Oh I almost forgot!" She said excitedly._

"_What?" Lucas asked._

"_I got something for you!"_

_"For me?"_

"_Yes, for you. But don't get too excited its not that amazing, but I was in this cute little trinket shop and I saw this and thought of you." Brooke pulled out a small brown paper bag and pulled out a small package wrapped in white tissue paper. She handed it to Lucas._

"_Open it!" She demanded impatiently._

"_Okay." Lucas laughed. His fingers delicately unfolded the paper, revealing the basketball keychain. He held it and looked down at it._

"_I just thought it was cute, and it was a basketball so–"_

"_I love it." Lucas traced the edge of the keychain and stood up. He touched his nose to Brooke's. "Thank you." He kissed her._

_"You're welcome."_

Lucas remembered that time and how, ironically, it had been just days before Brooke discovered that Lucas could never properly play basketball again. He had felt guilty for not telling her about his HCM and he knew it hadn't helped her being able to trust him. He felt guilty just like he had so many times before - for not telling her about his kiss with Peyton, for not calling her while he was away after Keith died or for the worst of his offences, cheating on her with Peyton the first time they were together. Lucas knew he had caused Brooke a lot of pain and had screwed up numerous times. He knew that, and everyone had always reminded him of it – Haley, his mom. But Lucas knew all the blame couldn't fall on him, Brooke had to play a part in the crumbling of their relationship. As Brooke had come to trust him less, he came to know her less. She didn't tell him how she was feeling or come to him with her problems. She said everything was okay even when something was wrong. He knew Brooke's lack of trust of him was because of all his mistakes, but he couldn't change that. He had grown so tired of trying to gain her trust, and he had no effort left. So many times he would remind her that she was 'the one' and that he wasn't going to hurt her. Yet, she always kept him at a distance and so he did the same.

Lucas was jerked out of his memory by a car alarm accidentally going off a few cars away. He looked up and saw a brunette woman cursing as she tried to stop the alarm. With the desire to escape the noise accompanied with the sinking feeling that he would have to go home sooner or later, he put the key in the ignition and headed off.

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_AN: There's chapter one - it was a chapter with the main purpose of explaining things, so I'm sorry not a lot happenned, more will happen as the fic goes on. Thanks again to Ellie for beta-ing this for me! Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed last chapter! This chapter's title is from 'See You Soon' by Coldplay. Reviews are appreciated!_


	3. Ch 2: Have You Done All You Can?

Chapter Two – **Have You Done All You Can?**

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_AN: Just a quick little note before we get to the chapter – I didn't get many reviews last chapter and so I would really love it if you could review this chapter. I really want to know your thoughts on the fic so PLEASE REVIEW! Thank you to those of you who did review last chapter, your feedback is very much appreciated. Thanks to Ellie for being an awesome beta. This chapter's title is from 'Rewind' by Stereophonics._

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Brooke stood by the riverwalk, knowing that Lucas would be arriving home about now, that is if he hadn't found any excuse he could to stay at school longer. But, she had made plans for this afternoon, and for once, they honestly weren't in an attempt to avoid an awkward evening at home with Lucas.

"Brooke!"

She turned around at the sound of her name and was immediately caught in a hug by the girl who had come to be one of her closest friends, although she didn't see her as much as she would like, seeing as they attend different colleges.

"Haley.." Brooke said as she embraced her. "Oh I've missed you buddy.."

"I've missed you too," Haley replied as the two young women who were recently just girls, broke away from each other.

"We have so much to catch up on, but first, coffee?" Haley asked.

"Yeah", Brooke said with a nod.

Moments later the girls walked along the riverside together sipping coffee, giving desired warmth on the cold winter's day. Brooke's thin pink scarf floated in the breeze behind her, her brown wavy hair drifting along on top of it.

"So, how are you?" Brooke asked Haley.

"I'm good. College is great. I'll admit at first I was a little disappointed to be going to Duke and not Stanford, as you know, but I'm actually really loving it at Duke."

"That's awesome, Haley. How's Nathan?" Brooke asked.

"He's great, putting a lot of focus into basketball at the moment cause they've got some big games coming up, so I'm not seeing him quite as much as I would like. But, that's only for a bit."

"So things are good with you two?"

"Yeah, they're great. For a while there I never thought we'd find our way back, but that seems so long ago now," Haley beamed, reminiscing over how far she and Nathan had come.

Brooke nodded and gave a half-smile. She was trying so hard to be happy for her friend but she couldn't fight the feeling of jealousy she felt towards Nathan and Haley's relationship. It made her sad to think how perfect their relationship was compared to her own.

"Oh I'm sorry Brooke, I wasn't thinking-" Haley apologized. She didn't know all the details on Brooke and Lucas' relationship, but she knew enough, and she knew Brooke. Even though they didn't see each other as much as they did in high school, Haley could still sense how Brooke was feeling. Haley stopped walking as she apologized, and Brooke turned to look at her as she responded.

"Haley it's okay. Really. I'm happy for you guys, you deserve to be happy."

After a moment, Haley spoke. She wanted to help Brooke and Lucas, she just hoped Brooke would talk to her and let her help.

"How are you, Brooke?"

"I'm okay", Brooke replied unconvincingly.

"Really?"

"Yeah. I mean, I'm not on top of the world or anything, but I'm okay."

"So.. what's going on with you guys?" Haley asked slightly hesitantly.

"Honestly, I don't know."

"What do you mean?

"I mean we're together but it doesn't feel like it anymore. It's like we've got stuck in this cycle and we can't get out of it. We just don't seem close anymore, Haley. I mean we live together, I see him everyday but we seem so distant from each other. I mean I can't even remember the last time we kissed, or even hugged, let alone had a proper conversation."

"I'm sorry, Brooke. But you two are meant to be together, I know you are. You'll work it out."

"I hope so Haley. I really do."

"Believe me, I know how it feels to think things will never be right again. But they will."

Brooke gave a weak nod as they continued walking along the quiet strip beside the water. After a moment, Brooke spoke.

"When you came back from the tour, and Nathan pushed you away and didn't want to be together again, how did you do it? How did you hold on?"

They had come up to the picnic tables by the riverside, coincidently appropriate as Haley began to speak of her and Nathan. They sat down next to each other on one side of the table and turned to face each other.

"I'm sorry to ask, Haley, I don't want to remind you off it and I'm seriously not trying to make you sad-"

"No, no Brooke its okay. I umm" she hesitated, looking for the right words to offer her friend. As she searched for the right words, she looked at Brooke. Her eyes were tired and sad, and she didn't have the essence of life and joy that once belonged to her. Haley remembered how Lucas had called Brooke 'Cheery', and she couldn't help but observe how that name was no longer suited to the girl it once had been associated with.

"Well, I guess the first thing I did was stop and think whether I should hold on. Whether maybe he was right and we wouldn't be able to find our way back. But I knew I loved him and so I knew that I couldn't give up on us." She paused for a moment. "Look Brooke, you love Lucas don't you?"

"Yeah I do. But I'm beginning to wonder whether there needs to be more than that to keep us together."

"No, you just have to remember that love and remind yourself of it and try and work through your problems. You both need to start fighting for your love."

"Yeah, you're right. But we tried so hard in high school and I don't know if either of us have the strength anymore."

"But when have you tried recently? Have you done all you can? Just talk to him Brooke, you guys need to tell each other how you're feeling and why and try and work out how to fix it. You can't hide from your problems, Brooke, or else you're going to be stuck in the cycle forever."

Knowing her friend was right, Brooke promised herself that she wouldn't give up and felt a little reassured that all hope was not lost. Yet, she knew that things wouldn't get better by themselves and that they had to do something to fix this. But what? Brooke decided to follow Haley's advice and start by talking to him, but she wasn't sure she would have the courage. Still, Brooke found it hard to be completely open around Lucas, only a very few times had she let her guard completely down and told him everything she was feeling. Brooke knew that this in itself was one of the factors that had led them here, to a place so far from the relationship they once shared. How could she start to work towards overcoming their problems, when one of the methods of doing so, was one of those very problems?


	4. Ch 3: We Need To Talk About It

Chapter Three – **We Need To Talk About It**

Brooke pulled her VW bug up outside their apartment block. She had had a long day at college and was behind, still not having completed her dress designs as she was meant to. But she had promised herself that tonight she would talk to Lucas. It had been a week since she had spoken to Haley, and every day she had decided she would speak to Lucas and every day she decided to do it the next. But today, exactly seven days since the first day she was going to speak to him, she would try once again. She had to. She was determined to take the first step to putting the pieces of their relationship back together. She simply hoped she could find the courage and hoped that Lucas had enough faith left to at least try- they had to try together.

She removed the keys from the ignition, but sat silently in the car for a moment. Her heart pounded and suddenly she felt the same nervousness she had in the moment two years ago when she had arrived at Lucas' door bearing eighty-two letters along with her heart and soul. But now Brooke had no letters and was not at all prepared for what she was going to say. She knew things would not end happily like they had on that night, they couldn't, and there were too many things to be resolved simply in one night. Brooke was prepared for that, or as prepared as she could be. So with one final breath, she got out of the car and let the crisp night air surround her.

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Lucas lay on the bed he shares with Brooke, the room was quiet, just as he liked it to be when he was engrossing himself in the world of one his favourite authors. Yet Lucas found himself to be reading the paragraph of one his favourite Steinbeck's over and over, not taking in the words as he usually did. He closed the book in frustration, finding his thoughts wandering back to the one thing he tried so hard to push from his brain; it hurt too much to think about. His crumbling relationship with Brooke. His girlfriend. But was she really? Lucas didn't know anymore. Lucas thought of all the things he considered were required to call someone your girlfriend. Talking to them. Laughing with them. Kissing them. Being happy with them. If he followed what he was thinking, Brooke wasn't truly his girlfriend. Yet of course she was, he told himself, they live together, they sleep in the same bed! But that was where it stopped. It didn't go any further than that. Not anymore. Lucas only wished he knew why, was it his fault, was it hers? He didn't know.

He heard the front door to their apartment open and for a second he expected her to call out that she was home or come rushing into their room to tell him about her day, or usually complain, she hated having such a long day at college on Friday and always complained about how unfair it was that Lucas was home before her. But Lucas knew that wasn't going to happen, it hadn't happened in a long time. He glanced at the clock beside their bed, 6:52 pm. He climbed up off of the bed and walked out into the living room.

"Hey," he said to Brooke, who was in the kitchen getting a drink.

"Hi," she responded.

Lucas grabbed his bag that was sitting on the couch and picked up his keys off of the kitchen counter.

"I'm going to my mom's, I promised her I'd baby-sit, Lottie tonight."

"Oh okay. Are you going to bring her back here?"

"No it's easier if I just stay there. Don't wait up." Lucas said as he made his way to the door.

"Wait, Luke. We really need to talk." He turned around as he heard her words.

"Look.. Brooke, I really have to be there now. Can we talk later?" Brooke swore she could hear a hint of sincerity and hope in his eyes.

"Yeah. Okay then." Brooke said helplessly just before she saw Lucas' figure retreat out the door without so much as a goodbye.

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His mother who gave him a quick hug and ushered him in greeted Lucas at the door. They entered the kitchen and Lucas dropped his bag down on the kitchen table as Karen spoke.

"No Brooke?" Karen asked seeing Lucas alone. Brooke and Lucas used to baby-sit baby together and this was the first time Lucas had babysat by himself. Although, in terms of doing the actual babysitting that didn't matter, as he was the one to do that anyway. Brooke would cutely complain about the baby's crying and tease Lucas, saying that his sister just obviously didn't like him.

"No," Lucas responded as he avoided her gaze.

"Okay," Karen sensed Lucas' resistance to talking about Brooke, so after a brief pause quickly steered away from that subject. Gesturing towards the open door to Lucas' old room, which was now the nursery, she spoke. "Baby's asleep now but she might wake up so - "

"Mom, I've done this before, remember?" Lucas said with a slight laugh.

"I know. I just still don't like leaving her," Karen glanced towards the nursery.

"Mom, I've got her," Lucas smiled reassuringly.

"I know. Thank you for doing this, Luke," Karen said as she grabbed her purse and coat off the kitchen table.

"No problem Mom, have a good time."

"I will. I should be home by midnight."

"Okay, take your time. See you later."

"Bye Lucas," Karen said as she made her way out the front door.

Lucas walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. The house was awfully silent and strangely, Lucas wished for the noise of the baby, for the silence was not comforting. It simply reminded him what was missing, or rather, who was missing. He sat down on the couch and turned on the TV in an attempt to drown out the silence. Making sure it wasn't up so loud as to wake Lottie, he flicked the channel to ESPN finding a basketball game on. Lucas shifted in his seat as he watched the game. Watching basketball was hard knowing he wouldn't ever get to experience playing at a higher level, let alone playing at all, but that wasn't the reason Lucas couldn't enjoy watching the game. Something just didn't feel right. He found himself missing Brooke's annoying habit of changing the channel whenever he tried to watch a game. She would usually win the remote war, so Lucas would find himself watching America's Next Top Model or Laguna Beach, and as much as Lucas' hated those shows, he strangely found himself missing them. And while he wouldn't totally admit it, he knew it wasn't really the shows he was missing, it was Brooke.

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Brooke sat on the couch of their living room. She was bored and felt quite pathetic, sitting at home alone on a Friday night. She had changed into her green Juicy Couture sweats and tied her hair up in a ponytail for comfort, but also as a method of killing some time. Now she sat alone. She decided for some channel surfing and flicked aimlessly through the endless channels. She came to ESPN, finding basketball on and for some strange reason; she found that she'd settled to watching it. She let out a sigh as she watched the player score a free throw and her mind spun to Lucas. She had come so close to talking to him, and he had left. "He had to though, he had to be at Karen's", she reassured herself. She just wished that that was all it was, and that Lucas really meant what he'd said when he offered to talk later.

She watched a player dribble the ball across the court and considered how hard it must be for Lucas to have lost basketball. She knew he missed it, but not because he told her, they didn't really talk about it. She just wished he had told her about having HCM; she could have helped him deal with it. She would have been there for him and offered to talk to him about it. But that had never happened. "That was his choice", Brooke thought. "He obviously didn't want my support". Yet Brooke knew he wasn't the only one who hadn't been completely honest and open, she knew she had kept things from him too.

"_What's going on with you and Peyton?" He asked her as they sat on his bed._

"_What do you mean?" She acted like she didn't know what he was talking about._

"_Well you told me you two had a fight and then you moved out of her house…" He elaborated as she desperately tried to avoid his haunting stare._

"_It's nothing, I was just upset that she kissed you."_

"_But you told me you'd had a fight before I told you about the kiss." He paused, but just for a second. "What was the fight about?"_

"_Lucas…" she looked down._

"_Come on Brooke. Please. You can talk to me, you know that." He begged as he tried to meet her eyes._

"_Its not important, she was just bugging me and I knew I wasn't going to live with her forever anyway."_

"_You seriously want to live with Rachel?" he questioned._

"_She's not that bad, Lucas."_

"_Hey, I'm not saying she is. I'm just saying, I know she's not your favourite person."_

"_That was before I really knew her."_

"_Okay.."_

"_I'm happy living with her Luke." She was trying to convince herself as much as him._

"_Okay, if you're sure."_

She hadn't told him the truth about her fight with Peyton, and she knew she was a hypocrite for being angry that he hadn't told her things. The truth was she had kept many things from him too. "But I'm trying to fix things" she thought. "He doesn't seem to even want to try."

---

Lucas heard a cry from the nursery. Listening intently, he waited a moment, seeing if it was a sole cry, but soon the cry escalated and the noise grew louder. He raised himself up from the couch and walked into the nursery. Reaching an arm down into the crib in the dark room, he picked up the pacifier lying next to the crying baby, gently put it into her mouth and delicately stroked her head.

"Shh baby…" he mumbled quietly to her, in a tone that he had often calmed Brooke with when she was upset about something.

After a moment the crying ceased. Lucas had always imagined he and Brooke having children, and that wasn't just because of one pregnancy scare and an instance with him thinking she was pregnant. He had been so certain of them, and so he had thought of their future. He hadn't wanted kids right away of course, but he had imagined them getting married in some years and he had been able to envision them with kids someday. But now, that vision was hazy. He hadn't ever talked about kids with Brooke, guessing it was probably the furthest thing from her mind, and he had secretly felt a bit embarrassed having all these dreams for the two of them.

Lucas often wondered if Brooke had dreams for the two of them as well. He wondered if she'd had them at any one point, even if they were now forgotten. Yet, she had wanted to talk to him, so maybe all hope wasn't lost. Of course he wasn't sure if she even wanted to talk about their relationship, although her unsteady voice suggested that she had. Lucas wasn't sure if he really wanted to talk about their relationship, he wanted things to get better, he truly did. He just didn't know if he could deal with everything they would have to endure in order for that to happen, the first of which was a difficult talk, of course not their first. They'd had their fair share of upsetting conversations, "Will another one could really change anything?" he wondered.

---

_AN: Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed last chapter! I really appreciate you taking the time to let me know your thoughts on the chapter/fic, it really helps me with writing the fic. Last chapter was a bit more of a filler chapter, and I'm sorry we didn't get a proper BL talk this chapter, they will talk more next chapter. Thanks again to the awesome Ellie for beta-ing this for me. This chapter's title is from 'Letting The Cables Sleep' by Bush. PLEASE REVIEW!___


	5. Ch 4: Looking For Something More To Say

Chapter Four – **Looking For Something More To Say**

Lucas' breath was heavy and his chest pounded as he ran along the sidewalk. His feet thumped along the hard ground and his arms swung as he ran. He had awoken early, despite coming home late the previous night after babysitting baby. Brooke was asleep when he had arrived home and he had crept into bed delicately, trying not to wake her. She hadn't stirred, but Lucas wasn't sure if in fact, she had been asleep. As he was up so early this morning, the two had not exchanged any words since the previous evening. Lucas had decided for an early morning run to clear his head. He knew that he and Brooke were going to have to talk soon, and he had wanted to clear his head before that happened. He wondered if she'd mention having a talk again, and if she didn't "should I?" he thought. "I did tell her we could talk about it later…" he admitted. He just hoped Brooke would initiate the talk and make the decision easy, for he knew he couldn't avoid her forever.

----

He opened the front door and stepped into their apartment, glancing at the clock he saw it was 8:30am. He heard the shower running and after grabbing a drink from the fridge, went and sat on the couch to wait for her. Just as he did, the phone rang. He let out an exasperated sigh and went and answered the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hello. Who is this?"

"Lucas, who is this?"

"Hello Lucas, it's Richard Davis."

"Oh, Mr Davis, hi."

"Could I speak to Brooke?"

"No sorry, she's in the shower right now."

"Oh" He sounded most disgruntled. "Can you take a message then?"

"Sure"

"You'll need a pen, I'm giving you an address."

"Okay." Lucas said as he grabbed a pen, curious as to what address this was. "Got one."

"Okay. Can you just tell her that my new address is 3 Carlyle Street, Golden Hill, San Diego. Tell her that it's a good distance away from her mother but close enough to the office. And I don't have my own phone connected yet but she can contact me on my cell phone if she must."

"Okay.." Lucas mumbled in a state of both curiosity and confusion.

"Alright Lucas, I have to go. Send my love to Brooke." Lucas heard the dial tone and took a second to register that Brooke's father was gone as he was still thinking about what he had just heard. Brooke's dad had a new address? Away from her mother?

Brooke walked into the living room dressed in jeans and a t-shirt and holding a hairbrush and towel. Her hair was damp clung tightly together behind her shoulders. She looked refreshed, but hidden behind that she was tired, just like he was.

"Hi" she said.

"Hi" he repeated.

She draped her towel over the back of one of the chairs in the kitchen and ran the hairbrush through her hair as she spoke.

"Where were you?" Indicating from his tracksuit and sweaty chest, she could tell he had been running or playing basketball, but she wanted to ask. She wanted to emphasise the fact that she hadn't known where he was, that he had failed to leave a note or anything to suggest his whereabouts.

"I went for a run." Brooke observed that Lucas failed to notice her suggestion of his fault in not letting her know where he had gone. She nodded and opened her mouth to speak. He quickly added, "don't worry, I didn't overdo it and the doctor says its good for me to run." He spoke words that could be gentle reassurance, but his tone was far from that. He sounded frustrated and almost annoyed. He clearly thought he knew what she was going to say.

"I wasn't going to say that." She spoke, clearly taking satisfaction in proving him wrong and suggesting that he perhaps didn't know her as well as he thought. "I was going to say, could we talk now?" She continued.

"Yeah, okay." He spoke in a tone, which Brooke could not identify. There were few times where Brooke couldn't distinguish the underlying tone in Lucas' voice, but now was one of those times. She put down the hairbrush on the kitchen counter and went and sat down on the couch. Lucas followed her at a distance and sat on the opposite couch.

"What do you want to talk about?" he asked. He knew she probably wanted to talk about their relationship, but he wanted her to tell him that. He didn't want to make incorrect assumptions and rope himself into a conversation he didn't particularly want to have in the first place, if that in fact wasn't what she wanted to discuss.

"Us." She said with a tone suggesting that she had expected him to know that.

"Yeah…" he mumbled.

"Look Luke, its obvious that things aren't so great right now."

"Yeah I know."

"Well I'm glad we can agree on that."

"We don't disagree on that much."

"Yeah, I know. I didn't mean we do I just - " she trailed off. "I wanna work out how we can fix this."

"Well to do that, I think we first have to work out how we went wrong." He said. Brooke was relieved to hear he was at least answering in full sentences and seemed to want to talk.

"Yeah." She agreed. "Well I think that we let too many things come between us. And, we didn't trust each other."

"Trust wasn't a problem on my end. I trusted you."

"I know Luke, but you didn't make it easy for me to trust you…"

"How? How didn't I?" Brooke was astonished that he would even ask that, considering she could rattle off a list off all the things he had done to cause her trust of him to falter. "I constantly reassured you that you were the only one I wanted."

"Yeah, after you had cheated on me."

"Oh my god Brooke." He dropped his head back on the couch and shook his head. He lifted his head and spoke sternly. "I am sorry but that is not fair. This is not about that, we are long passed that."

"I thought we were, but you obviously we weren't."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"All though senior year you kept ditching me to go and be with her." Brooke didn't refer to her by name, but she knew Lucas knew whom she was talking about. Remember the first day we spent together after we got back together. No? Well I'll remind you, I wasn't the one you spent it with."

"I know Brooke! I know I put her before you too many times. But that was a year ago! You're the one I'm with, she's the one I haven't seen since graduation!" He had raised his voice, and tried to lower it again, but it was difficult – he was getting angry now. "I don't know what more confirmation I can give you. There wasn't anything more I could say then, and there still isn't now." He continued.

"Well if you had let me in that might've helped." She scoffed.

"Oh yeah, that's ironic coming from you." He stood up and turned away.

"What?" Brooke semi-shouted, genuinely confused.

"Your parents? They've separated right?"

"How did you-"

"Your Dad called earlier. Wanted to give you his new address, a good distance away from your mother. I put two and two together."

"Luke I-"

"You have no right to tell me that I should be letting you in, when you aren't telling me things as important in your life as that. You're the one whose not doing the letting in."

"But its not that important in my life!"

"Oh please. Don't even try that, Brooke. I know your parents may not be in your life that much, but I also know that they are important to you." He said. Brooke opened her mouth to defend herself, but didn't know what to say. So he continued, "if this was me you'd be telling me that I should have come to you and let you help me. You'd be telling me I should have talked to you about it."

"Luke when was I supposed to tell you?! You're always coming home late."

"Brooke I'm here plenty of the time."

"Well when you are you never seem like you want to talk to me."

"I'm talking to you now!"

"You're yelling at me now."

"Well I am sorry Brooke. But you're acting like this is all my fault!"

"I never said that!"

"You implied it."

"How did I do that?! I just said that you didn't let me in and now you're being distant and not making it easy for me to talk to you!"

"And you brought up things I did ages ago. Like I can fix that now Brooke! I've apologised and told you I want to be with you, what more do you want from me?"

"You haven't, Luke!"

"I haven't what?"

"Told me you want to be with me. Not in months."

"Why should I have to tell you that, you don't tell me you want to be with me either."

"But I am showing it!"

"How? By not telling me things and by not talking to me?"

"By trying to fix this, Luke!"

"But you're still saying that it's my fault because I'm not telling you I want to be with you."

"That's not what I am saying-"

"Do you know how many times I told you that last year."

"Told me what?"

"Told you that I want to be with you. Only you."

"I know Luke, but-"

"Did you ever think that I would get tired of that Brooke? I can't keep having to constantly reassure you. Every time you would question my love for you, I would fear I was going to lose you. And then I would tell you that you're the only one I wanted, but I always felt like I never truly had you. I told you over and over, hoping that sooner or later, I wouldn't have to reassure you, that you'd believe me, completely. But here we are and you are still questioning if I want to be with you."

"Well do you, Luke?"

"You're seriously asking me that?"

"Yes I am."

"Well, then in that case", he hesitated slightly. "I'm not so sure anymore."

Brooke stood there for a moment, looking at him as he refused to look at her. He had turned a little way away and so their gaze did not meet. She didn't say anything; there was nothing more to say. But hearing that he didn't know if he wanted to be with her was too much. She calmly turned and walked out the front door, shutting, but not slamming, the door firmly behind her.

-------

_AN: Sorry about the bit of a wait for this chapter, schoolwork is evil. But I hope you guys liked the chapter, and things will get better for Brucas, I promise, it just might take a while... Thank you for the reviews for the last chapter, I really appreciate you guys taking the time to let me know what you think about my fic. Hope you review this chapter too! Thanks again to my awesome beta Ellie. This chapter's title is from 'Feel The Silence' by The Goo Goo Dolls._


	6. Ch 5: Am I In Heaven Here

Chapter Five. **Am I in Heaven Here Or Am I In Hell?**

---

_AN – Okay, after an seriously long break here is chapter 5. So sorry about the __ridiculously__ long time it took me to update, high school graduation and exams got in the way. Anyway, hope you like the chapter, reviews are appreciated! Thanks to my beta Ellie for all her help. The chapter title is from 'Hold On' by Sarah McLachlan._

_---_

Brooke wandered slowly down the main street of Tree Hill just minutes later. The street was as busy as usual, but it had the sense of sleepiness that it always had. As a child Brooke had dreamt of leaving and going away to the city, getting as far away from Tree Hill as she could. But over the years Brooke had come to love her hometown more than she ever thought she would, and now she had no desire to leave. At least, she hadn't until now. Now a part of her wanted to run away from here, to anywhere. Just away. She was so tired, drained.

She looked at the people on the street through her misty green eyes, frowning as she saw them smile. She tried not to think of him, but somehow trying not to think of him only made her think of him more. She hadn't expected him to say that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with her. She hadn't been prepared for that. She had prepared herself for him refusing to talk, giving her the cold shoulder or saying that he didn't want to try to fix things. But him saying he might not want to be with her was so much worse than him saying he didn't want to try and fix things, which was what she had thought to be the worst-case scenario. As much as she had always questioned her relationship with Lucas, she never thought he would actually say he didn't want to be with her. Screw up, yes. Lie to her, yes. But not break up with her. Of course he hadn't actually done that, 'yet' she thought. But in a way, his being so distant and cold was much worse. She hated not knowing where they stood or where they were going.

She looked down at the ground as she continued to walk, getting fed up of seeing smiling faces whilst she felt so broken. Her hair fell over the sides of her face while her bangs hid her forehead, leaving only a small part of her face exposed.

"Ooh, sorry!" someone spoke.

Brooke apologised as she looked to see a pram and a woman before her. The woman had been looking into the pram and Brooke had been staring at the ground, and the two had narrowly escaped a collision. But this wasn't just any woman, it was one Brooke knew.

"Karen..! Hi."

"Brooke, it's good to see you." She walked around the pram and gave Brooke a quick hug.

"It's good to see you too." Brooke spoke with sincerity. In truth, Karen had been more of a mother to her than her own, and Brooke hadn't seen her in quite a while, considering the problems she and Lucas were having and Brooke had really missed talking to her. "You look great" Brooke said to Karen before looking down at the baby wiggling in the pram and quickly continuing. "Ohh… Lottie's gotten so big!"

"Thank you. And I know, she's getting bigger by the day!" Karen responded with a slight laugh, like Lucas often did, or had rather often used to, Brooke thought.

Brooke squatted down before the pram and gently touched the baby's left hand while her right hand waved a rattle.

"Hi little girl.." Brooke spoke softly to the child. "Remember me? Brooke."

"She loves you Brooke. You know if you ever want to drop round to see her you can." Karen offered as Brooke stood back up again. "With or without Lucas." She added, not wanting to pressure Brooke into talking about him but wanting her to know that she was more than just Lucas' girlfriend to her.

"Thank you, Karen." Brooke said sincerely.

"And if you do ever need someone to talk to, you know you can come to me. I know I am his mother but if you ever want to talk then, I can temporarily not be."

Brooke smiled and hugged Karen.

"Thank you" she repeated and broke the hug giving Karen a smile, showing her gratitude.

- - -

It was just after nine when Lucas arrived at Tommy's house. He could hear the music pounding behind the closed front door, He knocked and the door quickly swung open, the music soaring out into the quiet street. The guy behind the door was someone Lucas vaguely recognised from college, but he didn't know his name. His scraggly brown hair floated around his face and he clung to the open door. His eyes were swollen and he swayed slightly on the spot. Lucas sensed the guy had had one too many drinks.

"Hi, I'm Lucas." Lucas introduced himself and shook the guy's hand.

"Hey.. I'm Jason." the guy's words were slurred. "You a friend of Tommy's?"

"Yeah."

"Then come on in man."

"Thanks."

Lucas entered the house as Jason shut the door behind him and wandered off in the direction of the nearest keg. Lucas inspected the scene before him. There were lots of people dancing in a space in the living room far too small to accommodate the number of moving bodies. He saw couples making out, both on the dance floor and on the couches and armchairs in the room. There were lots of people standing around, drinking and talking. Lucas saw Tommy walking over to him.

"Hey Luke, thanks for coming!"

"Hey Tommy."

"Listen, you can grab a drink over there." He pointed towards a table with kegs and cans on it. "I'll see you later." Tommy gave Lucas a pat on the shoulder and disappeared into the crowd.

"Okay…" Lucas responded, but Tommy was already gone.

Lucas already felt out of place, and so he followed Tommy's suggestion of getting a drink. He picked up a blue plastic cup and filled it with beer from one of the three kegs. He took a swig of the drink, and as he did he suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder and someone said his name.

"Luke…"

He turned around, seeing possibly the last person he would have expected to. The last person that it was good for him to see.

"Peyton…". For a second he wasn't sure it was her, but it was. The same blonde hair, though now a little longer, on its way to Brooke's length and the same green eyes that had once intrigued him. He managed to find words and continued. "What are you doing here?"

"I would've preferred a how are you?" she laughed.

"Sorry, I just wasn't expecting to see you here."

"It's okay, I know. I wasn't really expecting to see you either, but I guess you are the one who lives here right? I'm the one who moved away." She looked down, and Lucas couldn't help but notice that she looked sad.

_She was standing by her car, the car that she had nearly collided into him in. That seemed so long ago, and Lucas couldn't believe it was only two years, they had been through a lot, experienced more than they ever had expected and things had changed so much since then. She was wearing her robes, and hurriedly put the key in her car lock, looking like she wanted more than anything to not be here. He knew it was now or never, he had to talk to her. He had to know if the rumour he had just heard was true._

"_Peyton..!" He called and walked over to her._

_She looked up at him, an uncomfortable look on her face. "Luke.."_

"_Pretty weird huh? We're done with high school." He didn't want to ask her what he wanted to know immediately; truth was he was uncomfortable too. This was hard._

"_Yeah" she gave a nervous laugh and avoided his gaze._

"_So listen, I kinda heard something today."_

"_Look Luke, I…" she trailed off, she didn't know what to say or how to start._

"_Is it true?" He asked gently. "Do you…" he hesitated, "have feelings for me?"_

_Her eyes flickered and her mouth opened a moment before she spoke. "Yes." She confessed._

Quickly snapping out of her moment of sadness, she looked up at him and continued. "I came back just for a night. My friend from college invited me to a party, and then when she told me it was in Tree Hill I just thought that it would be nice to be home for a night, just to see home again, just to remember."

Lucas nodded. "Who's your friend?" He didn't mean to sound so abrupt, but the truth was that he had always been slightly mad that Peyton had left after graduation without so much as a goodbye. He had called her once, and all she had said was that she needed to start over and get away from everything, Lucas assuming the 'everything', meant him. But they had been friends, good friends, and Lucas thought that that had to count for something. Yet, he couldn't judge her badly, he did know the feeling of desperately wanting to be with somebody, somebody you couldn't have. He had felt that for Brooke, when she was with Felix and when she refused to commit to him.

"Katie." Peyton replied.

"Katie, she's Tommy's girlfriend right?" Lucas knew the name sounded familiar.

"Yeah. You know Tommy?"

"Yeah, from college." He explained.

"Oh. That makes sense that you'd be here at his party then." Peyton laughed lightly, almost awkwardly.

"Yeah." As a silence fell over them Lucas looked at her outfit, skinny leg jeans and a white tank top with graffiti print on it. She could be dropped straight back into high school, she was dressed exactly the same way as she always had been.

"I know this is kind of weird. Us. And I know it's been a long time and we've moved past everything… But I just want you to know Luke, you don't have to feel awkward or bad or anything. It's okay. You didn't do anything wrong, I knew you weren't in love with me, that's why I didn't tell you. And I didn't want to mess things up with you and Brooke."

"It wouldn't have changed anything between me and Brooke." He said slightly sternly. "But.. I am sorry, Peyton." He said sincerely.

"Seriously Luke, it's fine." He nodded. "And anyway, its not like you can choose who you love." Lucas thought about this. He hated the way she made it sound like he should be pitied for being in love with Brooke, and if he could choose, he wouldn't have chosen Brooke. Lucas knew that even if back then, he could have chosen and not let his heart make the decision, he still would've chosen Brooke.

"So, how are you?" She asked.

"I'm good. I'm doing literature at UNC, its really great." He said, he avoided mentioning Brooke. Peyton was the last person he wanted to discuss his relationship with Brooke with.

"That's great Luke. I'm glad you're happy." She said genuinely.

"Thanks Peyton." He smiled, attempting to disguise the sadness hidden behind it. Peyton had assumed he was happy, but any chance at happiness was being lost due to the poor state of his relationship with Brooke. "How about you...? Are you happy?"

"Yeah. Amazingly, I am."

"I'm glad, Peyton. Really," He spoke sincerely. He was glad Peyton was happy, she deserved it. But so did he and Brooke. Somehow, in some strange way, seeing Peyton made Lucas remember everything he and Brooke had gone through to be together. Love triangles, his mistakes, her insecurities and every other thing. He knew it would be absurd if all that went to waste and they couldn't find a way to make it through. He knew that. But that was all he knew.


	7. Ch 6: Oh Simple Thing

Chapter Six. **Oh Simple Thing, Where Have You Gone?**

---

_AN: I am very sorry about the long wait for this update. Life has been keeping me and my beta both very busy. Anyway, here it is and I hope you enjoy it! Thank you so much for your reviews, they really encourage me to keep writing and I appreciate you taking the time to review. Once again, my apologies about the long wait for this chapter, I hope to have the next one up in much less time. This chapter's title is from 'Somewhere Only We Know' by Keane._

_- Mara_

_---_

Brooke sat on the bench on the small balcony that came off their bedroom. She remembered how she had convinced Lucas that they needed an apartment with a view and a balcony. So they had taken an apartment on the top floor of the three storey, six apartment complex. It faced out towards the river and Brooke could make out the blur of the rivercourt nestled between trees in the distance. For a moment, she felt like in the past year, no time had passed at all. With the view of her home before her, she forgot that she was no longer in highschool. She forgot that things had changed with Lucas. She forgot that she didn't speak to Peyton anymore. She forgot that Haley and Nathan had left. She forgot everything, and she worried that sooner or later she would forget her love for the only person who ever made her feel complete. Afterall, it appeared he had forgotten the love he had for her.

The heat lightning broke on the horizon, shattering the perfect picture of the view. Yet Brooke always felt peace when the lightning silently broke. She strangely loved the violence of it, it wasn't destructive, rather awakening and the silence was calming. She wrapped her arms around her body, not for warmth for the night was warm, but for security. She desperately tried to give herself this, but she wished she didn't have to be the source of it for herself. She wanted him to give it to her. But he wasn't there, and Brooke didn't know where he was. But it doesn't matter, because even if he was here, _"he wouldn't really be here with me",_ Brooke thought. Almost on cue, she heard the front door open.

She felt his presence. But not in her heart, in her head. He moved irritatingly slowly and came and sat next to her, as far away as the seat would allow, but more for her comfort than his. "She won't want to talk to me", he thought. But he wanted to try, he had to show her that he did want to try and repair their broken relationship. He looked out at the view before speaking, knowing how he would try to reach her.

"Heat lightning." He said softly in the voice she loved so much, he smiled and gave a graceful semi-laugh, content with the memory.

"What are you doing, Lucas?" her voice spoke tiredly.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean why are you here, talking to me? I mean its not like you ever want to talk. And anyway..." she paused and finished her sentence softly, "you don't want to be with me..." Lucas flinched remembering his words. Not that that was exactly what he had said, "but what I did say was bad enough", he thought.

"I'm sorry I said that, Brooke," Lucas spoke honestly.

"You don't have to be sorry. I asked you a question and you told me the truth."

"But I didn't. You have to know that."

"How am I meant to know anything Lucas? You don't tell me anything, then I ask you a question and you answer, but then tell me you weren't telling me the truth."

He turned to face her, when she said it like that his actions sounded so simply ridiculous. "I know. But please know that I am telling you the truth now," he said in an almost pleading tone.

"You're not telling me anything now."

"I do want to be with you Brooke. I do."

She looked away but he reached out and touched her face. He lightly grazed her cheek with his thumb, tracing over the freckle on her cheek that he loved so much, especially when it was accompanied with her dimpled grin. But that grin was nowhere to be seen now. She shut her eyes for a moment, allowing herself to sink into his words and touch. But then the glow of the lightning lit up the sky and brought her back to reality for the second time that night. She pulled away from him and stood up.

"No." she spoke.

"No what?" he was genuinely confused.

"I'm not letting you do this," she explained.

"Do what?" still he failed to understand.

"You said you weren't sure if you wanted to be with me, Lucas."

"I told you, I didn't mean that."

"But you said it! And just this morning! And now tonight you tell me that you _do_ want to be with me. "

"So?"

"So! You clearly don't know what you want, Lucas!"

"I do know what I want. I want you."

"But you weren't so sure this morning," she reminded him.

"I didn't mean it when I said that."

"Well then why did you say it?"

"I didn't want to have to tell you that I wanted you again. I had to tell you so many times in high school and I thought we were past that. I want you, even when I don't tell you."

"How am I supposed to know that?"

"You just are," he spoke, mimicking the words she spoke to him over a year ago.

"No, Lucas. Don't say that to me, this is completely different."

"Okay maybe it is. But the point is, I want you to know that I want you, without me having to keep reassuring you of that. You have to trust me. And anyway, I am telling you now. What more do you want from me?"

"I want you to make an effort. I want you to stop gliding through our home barely acknowledging me. I want you to talk to me the way you used to." Her eyes filled with tears as she spoke and her body quivered.

"You barely acknowledge or talk to me either Brooke." She was so emotional, and it hurt him to not back down.

"I know, I know!" She cried. She stopped for a moment to try and calm herself. "I'll try Lucas, I will if you will." Her voice dulled and she spoke softly. "I want you to help me fix this."

"Okay." He stopped for a moment and then spoke again, he knew she needed reassurance. "We can fix this."

She turned towards him and he looked at her. The part of her face not hidden by her hair was darkened by the night, yet her tears glowed so clearly as the lightning broke.

He reached out and placed his hand behind her head. This time she did not move away. He pulled her towards him and she collapsed into his body, trembling slightly. He hadn't held her in so long, yet the feeling of her in his arms was far from foreign. As her head lay delicately on his chest, Lucas rested his chin on her head and looked out at the lightning shining in the distance. He hoped trying would be enough, and that they could find their own light. The light that had worked its way deep down into their hearts, only sometimes surfacing and being so hard to reach.


	8. Ch 7: Always Something In The Way

Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven. **There's Always Something In The Way**

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_AN: I am very sorry for how long it's been since I updated. Life has again been keeping me and my beta both very busy – schoolwork is mean. Anyway, here is chapter seven. I hope you are still reading and like the chapter. Thanks for the reviews! This chapter's title is from 'You' by Switchfoot._

--

The early morning light flowed into the kitchen as Lucas stood at the counter the following day, pouring coffee into a red mug. The coffee swirled as Lucas gave it a stir and then took a sip. He heard the squeak of feet on the wood floor behind him and turned around to see Brooke. Her hair was messy and she rubbed her eyes, she had clearly just woken up. She was dressed in very pink and very short shorts and a white tank top that she hadn't worn in a while. Lucas had noticed that since they had drifted apart, Brooke had been wearing more covering sleepwear.

"Good morning." He said.

"Morning." She replied, with a tone of sleepiness and slight confusion.

There was silence for a moment and Lucas took another sip of his coffee as Brooke sat down on a stool at the kitchen counter. He saw she was looking at him and looked down into his mug.

"Um.." he hesitated slightly. "You want some coffee?"

"I can get it.." she responded, not abruptly but nervously. She stood up but Lucas stopped her with his words and a raised hand.

"No, it's okay, I'll get it." He wanted to show her he was trying, and while it didn't seem like much, it had been forever since Lucas had offered something simple like getting her coffee.

"Okay.." Brooke sat back down as Lucas' back faced her while he poured her some coffee into a matching red mug. He picked the mug up by the handle and turned back around and handed it to her. She took it by the base.

"Thanks." She said as she gave him a closed-mouth smile just barely bringing out her dimples.

"Sure," he replied.

There was silence in the apartment once again as the two sipped their coffee, the only sound that could be heard was the slight noise of traffic on the street outside. Brooke subconsciously lightly tapped the fingers of her left hand on the countertop nervously as she began to speak.

"So did I tell you? I don't have college today because my lecturer had to cancel our class."

"Oh, no you didn't." he spoke quickly but not in any way that suggested he was upset, rather he was simply answering her question. "That's lucky for you. That he cancelled, I mean." He continued.

"Yeah." She paused before carrying on, "So I was thinking, do you have a long-ish break over lunch today, I was thinking maybe we could have lunch?" She looked up hesitantly.

Lucas subconsciously raised his eyebrows ever so slightly. "Yeah, that sounds good." He smiled lightly then continued. "My break's only 40 minutes, but we could have eat on campus?" he suggested.

"Okay. That'll be good." She nodded and smiled.

xxx

As they sat in a small café close to one of the main buildings on campus, Brooke took a bite of her toasted sandwich, and noticed Lucas was looking at her. She dabbed her face with her napkin, feeling slightly awkward. It was strange, but she had that feeling that the girl in the movies always felt on the first date with the brilliant dreamy guy. The feeling of nervousness and hesitance and the fear of doing or saying something stupid. She had only experienced that feeling a couple of times before, when she was befriending Lucas again at the end of their junior year, and slowly falling in love with him again.

"Nice?" Lucas asked, and it took Brooke a second to realise he was referring to her food.

"Mm.." she said and nodded, not wanting to speak with her mouth full. She swallowed. "How's your pasta?"

"It's good." Lucas replied as he forked some pasta. Brooke nodded and smiled. "You want to try some?" he asked.

"Uh okay, sure." Brooke looked down and picked up her fork but as she looked up she saw that Lucas had already forked some pasta onto his own fork and was offering it out to her. Slightly embarrassed, she put her fork down and took his fork from him. She bit the pasta off the fork and handed the fork back to Lucas as she chewed and then swallowed. "Mm, that is good," she said. Lucas smiled.

"How's college been lately?" Lucas asked after a moment of silence. He felt strange asking such a question, a question you would ask a friend you hadn't seen for a while, not your girlfriend whom you live with.

"It's been good." Brooke replied, the minute after she said it thinking how dumb it was that she couldn't think of anything better to say than that. So she continued, "actually it's been pretty busy. In a few weeks, there's this fashion show competition sort of thing, we all have to present our two items we've been working on and they give out awards."

"Oh cool, what are you making?" Lucas asked. Brooke tried not to let it bother her that he didn't know what she was making, after all she had been working on her dresses for months and he should have seen her working on them. Yet she reminded herself that she hadn't even told him about the competition so he could hardly be expected to know that's what the dresses were for.

"Evening dresses." She replied. Lucas nodded and gave her a smile.

"And so what do you get if you win?"

"Well there are three prizes, and they are all different amounts of cash to be put towards materials and things for your clothes."

"That would be useful."

"Yeah. But I'm not going to win, everyone's is so talented." She replied quickly, as she gave a light laugh and looked down at her plate.

"So are you." Lucas said, and Brooke looked up and met his gaze.

She gave him a small smile. "Thanks".

The brief moment was broken by someone appearing beside their table.

"Lucas, hey man," they said.

Brooke looked up. She vaguely recognised the guy, but she wasn't sure who he was. But Lucas obviously knew.

"Daniel, hey," Lucas replied. Daniel was an acquaintance of Lucas', the two were in some of the same classes at college. He turned to Brooke, who looked a little lost. "Brooke this is Daniel, we have some of the same classes," he explained. "Daniel, this is my…" he paused briefly, but then continued with an unexpected sincerity and pride in his words, "my girlfriend, Brooke'.

"Hey, yeah I think we might have met once ages ago," Daniel said cheerfully.

"Yeah, I think so," Brooke replied.

"I was just grabbing something to eat before class. We've got Camden's class at one o'clock right?"

"Yeah," Lucas confirmed with a nod. He looked across at Brooke, and then up at Daniel standing beside their table. Daniel was nice, but somewhat socially awkward. He made no sign of leaving and so Lucas reluctantly spoke. "Do you want to join us?"

"Really? That would be great. I'd feel dumb sitting by myself."

"Sure," Lucas smiled. Daniel took a chair from the next table and pulled it up beside them, while Lucas looked across at Brooke and mouthed a "sorry". Brooke smiled lightly and shook her head, shrugging it off. She truly didn't mind Daniel sitting with them. It somehow made her feel like Lucas and herself were momentarily back to normal, finding herself sitting there and casually hanging out with her boyfriend and his friend. She also could not deny the happiness she was feeling from having heard Lucas introduce her as his girlfriend, instead of just with her name.

"So Tommy's party the other night was pretty great, huh?"

"Yeah it was," Lucas replied casually.

"I was actually gonna ask you," Daniel began. "This is kind of lame but, do you know if that blonde girl you were talking to has a boyfriend? I'm kinda interested..." he trailed off. Lucas panicked, why did Daniel have to say that? This was not going to be good. He felt Brooke looking at him, or more probably, glaring at him. Brooke tried not to jump to any conclusions. So he spoke to a random girl, what did that matter?

"Oh, I don't know actually," Lucas responded, before trying to change the subject. "Did you do the reading for Camden's class?"

"Nah, do I ever?" Daniel laughed. "What was that blonde's name anyway? I wanted to talk to her but she left early."

Lucas didn't know what to do. Brooke was probably already a little concerned, but she didn't know who the blonde had been. If she did, she would surely go beyond a little concerned. They were making progress, he didn't want that to be compromised. But somehow, he wasn't sure there was any way out this situation that wouldn't upset Brooke, short of lying. But that was never a good idea; Lucas had learnt that from experience. He decided to follow the age-old saying that honesty was the best policy.

"Daniel, I'm really sorry. But do you think you could excuse us. I just really need to talk to Brooke," Lucas said, trying not to sound too rude.

"Oh, okay then," he stood up. "I guess I'll see you in class."

"Yeah, I'll see you in class. Thanks, Daniel," Lucas said. Daniel wandered off. It was hard to tell if he was upset or not.

Lucas turned to Brooke. Her expression was difficult to read, it was as if she was holding off emotion or judgement, waiting to hear what he was going to say.

"I went to Tommy's party a few nights ago. And when I was there, I ran into Peyton," he figured he should just say it. "I didn't know she was going to be there and it was the first time I had seen her since graduation. Apparently she's friends with Tommy's girlfriend."

Brooke didn't know what to say. She was angry, even if that wasn't justified, that was how she felt. She knew how she reacted would perhaps be an indication of how far they really were in working things out. Of how right Lucas had been when he had said Brooke always needed reassurance that he wasn't going to hurt her again, how she didn't truly trust him. But _this_ - Peyton and her sudden reappearance in Lucas' life - it suddenly spun Brooke back to two years ago when Peyton and Lucas had hurt her more than she thought it was possible for her to hurt.

Suddenly, Brooke felt unsteady, physically as well as emotionally. She closed her eyes as she felt the sound of the quiet café become too much, as if every person in there was closing in on her, pointing and laughing that she become that girl again, that girl caught between two people obviously destined to be together, and her being too stupid to realise that she was the roadblock on their path to happiness.

"Brooke?" Lucas spoke, learning forward and catching her hand in his, obviously concerned when her eyes remained closed and her brow furrowed. Suddenly, feeling his hand on hers, Brooke's eyes sprang open. She looked at his hand cradling her own, and how perfect the joined hands looked made her want to scream. Why did everything about him, everything about _them_, have to constantly try to fool her into thinking they would be okay?! That _they_ were meant to be! Her eyes glazed with anger and she jumped up out of her seat so suddenly that the woman at the table behind of them jumped in shock. Brooke picked up her bag and threw it roughly over her shoulder as she stormed out of the café.

She hurried away from the café and into a wide grassed area of the campus – where she and Lucas had once sat as she quizzed him for an exam – whilst Lucas chased after her. Brooke was walking so fast it could nearly be classified as running and Lucas, who had had to rummage around for some cash to leave on the table to pay for their meal, was a way behind her.

"Brooke!" he called out, as he dodged a group of giggling girls sitting on the ground.

Brooke made no attempt to stop, and was nearing the main campus building before Lucas finally was able to catch up to her somewhat.

"Brooke!" he tried again, and still she didn't stop. But then, he was right behind her, and he could have caught her arm in his if he had wanted to, but he didn't. He couldn't do that. It wasn't fair. Instead, he hopelessly brushed his fingers down the back of her left arm before he stopped and bent over a little, uttering a desperate "please.." as Brooke continued to move away. But then, she stopped. And when she turned around, Lucas thought he saw worry in her eyes.

"Your heart.." she began, looking at Lucas' chest as he bent over and appeared pained. "The HCM.. are you-" she continued, but Lucas cut her off. She couldn't be more wrong about how his heart was hurting.

"No, it's fine," he said and Brooke gave a sharp nod before the hurt returned to her eyes and she looked like she was about to turn back around. "Brooke, please don't walk away. I_ swear_ to you, nothing happened with Peyton."

Brooke's eyes misted up and her voice started to break. "You know what, Luke? For the past year and a half, it has brought me so much.." she struggled to find the right word before continuing, "..relief, that I didn't have to hear those words from you anymore."

Lucas stood up straight as he listened to what she was saying. He truly wanted to understand. Brooke continued speaking. "It felt so good that your assurance that you and Peyton were just friends, was not something I had to try and believe anymore. Because she was gone. Not in our lives, " she said.

"And I _missed_ her, I did, Lucas. She was my best friend in the entire world, and I _loved _her. But all those days she was gone; I _loved_ not having to worry about the two of you. About whatever world the two of you share that I can't pretend to understand. But this…" she raised her hands, defeated, "…the two of you… I can't deal with it anymore. I just can't. I thought it was over… but," she laughed, a bitter laugh, and the sound of it made Lucas quiver in sheer pain and fright. "I guess it will never be."


End file.
